


Give Me What You Alone Can Give

by irisadler



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fix-It, Introspection, Kissing, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Spoilers for Episode s03e20: City of Glass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 10:40:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18689836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisadler/pseuds/irisadler
Summary: Alec has lots of thoughts and feelings about the question Magnus asks him.(A post-3x20 fix-it for the one flaw in a perfect scene.)





	Give Me What You Alone Can Give

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Kiss to Build a Life On](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652507) by [irisadler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisadler/pseuds/irisadler). 



> Like Alec, I too had many thoughts and feelings about that proposal scene, so I had to remix/expand upon my previous fix-it for the ep.
> 
> Title from [A Kiss to Build a Dream On](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHjZQb-kGek).

Words have power.

Alec has known that since he was young.

Since he can remember, he's known the difference between 'Alec' and 'Alexander,' between the way his parents speak to him and the way his sister does.

"Alexander, your father and I are very disappointed in you."

Words can make you feel small and ignorant and less than, unworthy of the attention of others. Words can spur you on to be more, be better, work harder. Always, _always_ work harder.

"Three go in. Three come out."

Words can make you feel strong and limitless and fierce, like you can do anything in the world, like you _would_ do anything in the world to protect your loved ones from harm.

"Alec Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute."

Words can give you an identity you have craved for as long as you can remember, something you've fought for and sacrificed for. Something you've _earned._

"Hi, I'm Magnus. I don't think we've been formally introduced."

Words can tilt your world on its axis, turn everything you think you know upside down.

Never in his wildest dreams did Alec imagine he'd hear these particular words.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you marry me?"

-

Alec doesn't really remember when he first realised he was gay. It was a gradual thing, an undercover dawning of awareness, something he knew instinctively was to be kept and held close to his chest, his heart. A secret, never to be shared. It simply wasn't to be. It could never be.

Alec had dreamed of love, from time to time. He is a romantic at heart, after all.

But love and marriage are two very different things. And even his dreams of love were fantasies of other worlds, other lives, other realities where who Alec loved simply didn't matter to anyone, where it was accepted and encouraged to follow your heart. Fantastical imaginings of a maudlin man.

Though he's been trained since birth in strategy, diplomacy, forethought, and the like, Alec could never have foreseen his life going this way. His life. His _real_ life, strict mother and unaccepting father and all.

He, Alec Lightwood, is out and proud and happy. In a relationship with a warlock. And _still_ the Head of the New York Institute. After putting everything on the line that day, everything has only changed for the better.

It's an unbelievable thing, a wonderful one, and Alec has never been so happy.

 _Had_ never been so happy.

And then, Magnus gave up his magic. And everything changed.

In some ways, some of what followed feels inevitable now, as though it could never have gone any other way.

Of course Magnus gave up his magic to save Jace. He's always been selfless, the epitome of goodness.

Of course that had felt to Magnus like a loss he could not recover from. Like having a piece of himself - his identity, his soul - ripped out of his being.

Of course Asmodeus had demanded that price.

Of course Alec had paid it.

Later - tomorrow, next week - they'll talk about it. Alec will apologise for making that choice for both of them. For causing Magnus additional pain. Most unforgivably, for using Magnus' fears and vulnerabilities against him. And Magnus, hopefully, will forgive him.

But this is not the moment for that.

This is the moment when Alec can once again look into the eyes of the man he loves with all his heart and know that he is loved in return.

-

It feels like there's a world of meaning and communication in the look they share.

There may not be time for words, but just as their kiss earlier contained volumes, now an entire conversation passes in the blink of an eye.

Their kiss had spoken of urgency, of pain, of relief and promises and love.

_Magnus, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I can't live without you._

_I thought I'd lost you. I was hurt and bewildered and lost without you. Alexander, I love you. I understand why you did what you did, but please. Never leave me again._

_I won't. Never again, Magnus. You are my heart. My everything._

_You are my home, Alexander. My world. I love you I love you I love you..._

-

And now, Magnus is the one leaving. The one being ripped away. It may be by his own choice this time, but that doesn't make it any less painful, any less difficult.

Perfect moment or not, Alec simply had not been able to wait any more. To let Magnus leave without asking that all-important question.

Without Magnus _knowing._

After everything Alec has put Magnus through in the past few days, all the pain Alec has caused, Magnus has to _know_ how Alec feels about him. That Alec wants him totally and completely. For always and forever. However much time they have. The thing that matters is _them._

Alec's future is Magnus, and Magnus _has_ to know that. Just to know it. Because he deserves to.

But _especially_ if he's going to go off to Edom to try to save them all.

Which... of _course_ he is.

Because he's _Magnus._

And though Alec couldn't love anyone else instead, though he can't imagine Magnus being any other way, it's still the hardest thing in the world to knowingly, intentionally let Magnus go. Let him walk into actual hell all alone. Not because he can't take care of himself - because fucking hell, Magnus has saved them all twenty times over at this point - but because he shouldn't have to be alone anymore. He should always, _always_ know that Alec right there with him. That Alec has his back.

So, Alec tries.

“Magnus, don’t-”

“Magnus, you can’t.”

“There’s something I had to do, something I had to say...”

But fuck. Words are so hard sometimes. And the more important the situation, the more urgent and crucial, the harder it can be to make the words behave.

But Magnus understands anyway.

“I know,” he says, and Alec wants to protest. _You couldn’t_ **_possibly_ ** _know…_

Words. More words. But the words aren’t what sink in, what help Alec comprehend.

It’s when he sees the ring that the pieces fall into place.

Some way, somehow, Magnus _knows._

Not just about the deal, the reason behind Alec breaking both their hearts, but also about what Alec had intended to say, to ask just a few nights ago. Those few nights that feel like an entire lifetime.

And then, suddenly, there are two rings in Magnus’ palm. Alec hadn’t even known they needed two until the moment he saw them, and then it was incredibly clear that this was always the way it should’ve been. Lightwood family ring or not, this is perfect.

And then, he hears the words.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you marry me?”

And there is only one response that Alec can make to that.

Only one possible answer.

"Only if you'll marry me too."

Alec watches with bated breath, filled with wonder as Magnus slips the conjured ring onto his finger.

It's surreal, like an out of body experience. It's like he's watching this happen to someone else. Especially after what's happened in the past few days. The earth-shattering realisation that he can't live without Magnus. The heartrending decision that he must.

Turning to see Magnus, as powerful and brilliant and beautiful as always, as magical as the day they met… had been the most wonderful, most painful thing. That was the reason Alec had made such a terrible choice, but seeing Magnus again, being in his orbit, drawn to him just like always… fuck.

But to hear those words from Magnus’ lips. That he knew. Alec hadn’t been sure he’d ever known hope like that. Or joy.

Even that hope, that joy pales in comparison to what he feels now.

Alec takes a shaky breath and returns the favour, slipping the ring onto Magnus’ fourth finger. It’s just a silver band, just a ring. Magnus wears them all the time. But this is so different, so new. Alec notices everything in a kind of sharp focus. The dark polish on Magnus’ nails. The large ring on Magnus’ index finger. The gleam of the new one against his lovely brown skin.

And it’s like this ring exists only for this moment, this purpose. Like this ritual is a brand new thing made only for the two of them.

Engagement. Betrothal. What a concept. The promise of marriage, a shared future. Whatever portion of forever the universe allows them.

The world could burn in this moment, and Alec would barely notice because the light on Magnus’ face, the joy in his gorgeous cat eyes… it eclipses even the sun.

-

Alec brushes his hands over Magnus’ chest, smoothing those lapels he loves to grab so much. Alec knows they don’t have long, but he just can’t let Magnus go.

Not now. Not like this.

The moment feels… incomplete. Unsealed.

Alec gazes into Magnus’ golden cat eyes, proof of a magical being restored to wholeness, a warlock rejuvenated, and knows he will never love another. Not as he loves Magnus.

Alec has worked hard, has sacrificed nearly everything for others. Those he loves. His family. And he still would in a heartbeat. But for no one else could he give up Magnus.

It’s a unique thing, what they have. A living, growing, evolving thing. It makes them both better, _more._ Spurs them to greater heights. Brings softness and joy to their lives.

Love.

Alec had thought he know the variations of love, had thought he could content himself with the status quo, live without romance. Without the honesty of loving a man.

And then, Magnus had happened, had waltzed into Alec’s life with a meat pun and a smile, and everything had changed.

Now, Alec cannot imagine his life without loving this man. Even in the past few days - horrible and awful and barren as they’d felt - his love for Magnus had been constant, unwavering, trustworthy. It had made the pain even worse, knowing the depth and truth of his feelings. Izzy’s question had swirled around and around in his head. _Will I recover? Will I survive this?_

He’d known that he must. Somehow.

And therefore, somehow, he would.

But that hadn’t made it any easier.

Those fifty odd years that had seemed so short when he’d looked ahead to life with Magnus now felt like a yawning chasm of time that he’d have to occupy somehow.

Somehow. The theme of his days without Magnus.

 _Somehow, I’ll get through this,_ he’d told himself in the dark hours of the night, lying alone in his bed at the Institute, trying not to think of golden hours spent there intertwined with Magnus, longing for exhaustion to bring oblivion. _One day, I’ll sleep again._

 _Somehow, they’ll recover,_ he’d told himself as - one by one - he’d watched the dawning look of horror and heartbreak on the faces of his loved ones as he broke the news to them. _Someday, they’ll move on. And maybe - just maybe - so will I._ It had felt like a lie even then.

Meeting Magnus had changed the landscape of Alec’s life completely.

And now, only a few minutes into having Magnus back, Alec knows that being Magnus’ fiancé - someday, his husband - will continue to change his life.

His heart feels broken open, like all the things he’d been trying to bottle up and seal away have rebelled, like his emotions have exploded and become too big for him to contain. His heart lies in ruins, in the wreckage of his coping mechanisms and his dogged denial and his adherence to duty.

And here in the ruins, he is loved. He loves.

Each is whole in his own right, but now, they are together, and in being together, they are more than they are alone.

Together, they are fire and vengeance, powerful magic and the swift sharpness of an arrowhead.

Together, they are heart and home, warmth and softness and sunshine.

Together, they are strong and secure and loved.

-

Magnus doesn’t look away.

Neither does Alec.

Alec leans in, and so does Magnus. They meet somewhere in the middle, as they always have, always do, always _will._

Their lips meet, and one of them sighs softly into the kiss. Alec doesn’t know who. It doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the gentle press of Magnus’ soft lips against his, the way their mouths move together, familiar and beautiful, bringing tears to Alec’s eyes.

They wrap their arms around each other tightly, embracing, pressing close.

The battle continues, but the explosions and destruction, the war and the flames that rage just beyond the tower in which they stand… none of that can touch this moment, the heat and the love and the aching sweetness of it.

Sometimes, words are unnecessary.

Sometimes, a kiss says it all.

_Welcome home, my love._

_I’m never letting go again._


End file.
